Reducing One's “ZZZZZZZZZ Factor:”

Or Surviving the Mandatory Meeting

Sitting down at my office computer the other day, I pulled up my morning emails.  No letters from friends.  Nuts!  Ulp, there's Dad's weigh-in report, right on schedule. We're supposed to be reducing together, but the differences between the numbers of his and my weight loss are becoming exponentially embarrassing.  There were also the usual bits of junk mail, offering various electronic gizmos.  How do they find me?  I suppose that somehow, somewhere in my web wanderings, I must have included my email work address in some unassuming query only to find myself listed on dozens of address servers.  And then I saw it: the email with the red flag.  Oh no, not now, not when there are dozens of papers to grade, tests to write and essays to compose.  But the red flag allowed for no escape: it was from Chairperson X: "Important Meeting Today."

            People whose occupation involve computers that receive emails from upper echelons will sooner or later walk into their cubicles to find flagged messages from their superiors announcing meetings inevitably described as "vital," "necessary," or "extremely important."  I doubt that lumberjacks deal with this.  Do any of those hairy chested, flannel shirted guys walk out into the virgin woods and find, tacked to a spruce, an announcement for "general wood crew meeting--attendance mandatory"?  I think not.  Do construction workers, chewing tobacco and wearing yellow hard hats, go up one hundred and eighty five flights above the city-scape, only to find, riveted to a girder, the message: "general meeting at ground level at 10:30"?  Doubtful,

For such meetings to occur, one has to have members of an authoritative administration whose perception of their underlings is of listless individuals as bored as they.   These sad souls--so goes administrative thinking--who are after all only “shooting the breeze” around coffee machines, can be reached quickly via the network to organize yet another group session thus affirming both the administrators' and the workers' sense of accomplishment.  Such meetings usually proliferate when reports to even higher authorities become due. This is why upper offices describe such spontaneously spawned sessions as “vital” or "important."   They are vital for the administrator not the underling.

If you are searching your emails in vain to find any email addresses incorporating the term "underling," thus determining whether you are one or not, it might be helpful to also understand that members of an administration never call their underlings, “underlings.”  Accurate as the term may be to describe the relationship, it is as impossible for an administrator to actually call a subordinate "an underling" as it is for him or her to describe a called for meeting “a bothersome waste of time." Instead, the underling is usually referred to as “a team member,” a “vital part of the support-staff,” part of the “needed work force” or a “valued employee.”  Such individuals are often called upon to take part in meetings organized over the web, which are slated to discuss “employee empowerment.”  Note: the more such positive phrases are used to describe one, the greater likelihood it is that one's power ranges from small to nil.  Has meeting's minutes ever described an institution’s dean or president as “a vital part of the team?”  The sooner the underling realizes the truth of his or her real role in meetings, the happier everyone will be. 

Of course in contrast to the administrative adjectives of "essential" and "critical," underling-descriptions of these meetings range between "bothersome" or "impediments" to "real threats to my sanity and even consciousness."  This is especially true when said meetings are scheduled during what looks to the administrator as an underling’s “free-time” but is, in fact, an underling’s “desperately- needed-makeup-time.”

Still, bothersome or dangerous as these meetings may be, they must be attended.  Failure to do so will lead to a plethora of more flagged emails possibly culminating with unpleasant contractual renegotiations.  Also attending and goofing up--a.k.a. in the old role of class-clown--is also not an option.  This too will lead to emails and renegotiations.  Not only must one attend, but one must also seem to be engaged. This is what is meant by reducing the Z-factor.  One should not appear asleep nor sit with the “glazed-eye-look” of a zombie.  And the ultimate “Z”—snoring—could be utterly disastrous.  I have found that planning ahead and following a clear process is the best way to achieve the desired outcome of appeasing one’s authorities while also maintaining one’s own sanity.

Neither a liberal arts education nor any professional training prepares individuals for meeting survival.  In aiming for the well roundedness of individuals, liberal arts educators forget to include the overtly practical (they’re such pie-in-the-sky kinds of people), and professional training is usually formed by administrators who, of course, can never admit that they are involved with activities that are anything but “vital” and “important.”  I must pause here to note that if you are an administrator and you are reading this, you are engaged in reading someone else’s mail.  Please cease and desist unless you are looking for ways to engage rather than become involved in underling-espionage.  (To determine your intent in relation to the above check the temperature under your collar.  If warm, lay this essay aside and plan for another meeting about proper use of work time.)

            The first step in the survival process is to place the meeting on one’s calendar.  This not only helps the underling to not miss said meeting, but the check may indeed lead to “an out” if another meeting headed by an even higher administrator is already planned for said date and time.  The resolution of this conflict, thankfully, is not the responsibility of the underlings.  It is, however, important to inform the lesser of the two organizers of the conflict.  In this timing is imperative.  Just wait until the last moment to inform the secondary administrator so that he or she does not have time to reschedule.  However, do not wait till the actual day or the underling will appear to be unorganized for not seeing the conflict sooner.  Usually a day is sufficient to cover oneself and throw one’s superior plans into turmoil.

            The second step is to bring the needed paraphernalia to the meeting.  Again remember that the purpose is to look involved even is one’s brain has checked out and is having an extended vacation in La La Land.  An especially useful prop is the mug of coffee.  At one time pipes were useful since one could look thoughtful and meditative while puffing away.  However, with the ever-growing number of “smoke-free” zones the cup of coffee has become the thoughtful prop of preference.  During the meeting sit back, cradling said cup on one’s chest.  Occasionally take sips and "harumph" here and there to clear one’s throat of the coffee that has gone down the wrong way.  To the outside viewer the underling appears thoughtful and wise while the occasional clearing will send the signal that some idea has actually made some impression on him or her.  Of course it is vital to avoid actually falling into a coughing fit.  Either this will give one away as not paying attention if what was being mentioned is overtly unimportant (like the recognition of the first speaker), or the others in the meeting will think that some point has so struck you that you have become over excited and some wise proclamation will be forthcoming. There are ways to recover from this using meaningless but thoughtful sounding phrases like “a fascinating point” or “could you re-iterate that so that I understand your full meaning?”  The latter even allows the underling a chance to actually listen and form some appropriate response.

            Besides the bringing of a coffee mug, which by nature comes first since such drinks are more pleasurable warm than otherwise, the underling should also always arrive with a pad and pen.  It is bad form to appear at meetings without these tools since it sends a signal to the administrator that the underling has no appreciation for how serious the meeting is, and while some damage control can be gained by borrowing a piece of paper and pencil from a underling peer, the damage has been done.  Lay the pad and pen before you and after sipping from the mug a few times, place it to the side and scribble across the pad for a while.  To the administrator it will appear that the underling is taking thoughtful notes.  This, of course, is the furthest thing from the truth.

            What scrawl the underling will use is dependent on the individual.  The pen marks can be as rudimentary as connecting the dots.  Many peer underlings I know write lists of things they wish they were doing and need to do later in the day.  In academics, some actually try to grade papers, but this can be tricky since underling has to occasionally look up at the speaker and then, after returning his or her gaze to the page, scribble a comment on the paper.  The motion of the head distracts the administrator from realizing that the underling is writing on various parts of the page and is not writing notes in a neat paragraph format.  To aid with this illusion, it is a good practice in early meetings to occasionally write notes in a “here-and-there,” random pattern thus establishing it as one’s style. Then, when grading is necessary, the movement is not seen as unnatural. 

For the more graphically gifted, sketching can be wonderfully distracting: drawing furious faces with glowing eyes or images of the organizer of the meeting with large weapons pointed at his or her head.  In this, however, there is a risk that the underling will draw peer attention away from the speaker and to him or herself.  Laughing and whispering among one selves is not recommended—remember, there is no place in “important” meetings for class clowns.  However, if followed discreetly, the above steps should help the underling endure at least an hour and a half meeting.  For longer meetings be sure to enquire about bathroom and snack breaks.

            Finally is must be remembered that these tactics are only recommended for meetings in which the underling has no invested involvement.  Such activities should be avoided when the underling’s departmental development is in debate or when issues of institutional honesty are raised.  Save the above steps for meetings over suggested bathroom locations, the renaming of a class from “World Economics” to “Economics of the World,” or when the administration raises questions for which it really does not want answers. 

Examples of the latter can range from debates over renaming the institution to a more prestigious (if less descriptive) title to considering the nature of the re-deployment of administrative power.  While these may sound like engaging discussions, the underling should be alert to cues given by the administration that delineate his or her actual powerlessness.  Some examples are when the speaker says to the group “your department is only one of many constituencies from whom we are seeking input” or “remember, we are being polite to even ask for input since the choice is ours” or “we have not yet determined how the final decision on this issue will be reached.” Then the time has come to shut down one’s gray matter and sip coffee.  Having passed through the meeting looking interested but saying nothing, the underling will have achieved two goals: the administration will be happy and you and I, the underlings, will be—if not empowered—at least sane.